From TikTok tradwives touting anti-feminist chastity decrees to college parties encouraging hookups left and right, it’s hard to live out your sexual life without feeling pressure from all sides. As people tally up their “body counts,” it seems there’s no right number to have. No matter how you choose to express your sexuality, body count stigma may be something you’re all too familiar with.
Sexual stigma makes it particularly difficult to be a college student in this day and age. Let’s face it, hookup culture dominates much of the social landscape that young adults enter, and the problem is felt quite palpably by students here at the University of Miami. “There is a huge emphasis on Miami being a party school and party schools come with that guarantee of you’re going have hookups,” said one anonymous UM student — who this article will refer to as Miranda. All the sources interviewed for this piece asked for anonymity due to privacy concerns.
While a “go for it” attitude towards sex can be empowering for many, hookup culture comes with the risk of devaluing potential partners over shallow pursuits. The problem goes further than house parties full of drunk strangers. It permeates our social lives, online and in real life, especially in the dating sphere.
“[Hookup culture] is the premise of all dating apps, and honestly a lot of social media these days. That’s most people’s motives for connecting with each other,” said another anonymous student — who this article will refer to as Nicole. People pursue each other based on their looks and social status, and wrapped up in that is their sexual experience as well.
Part of the problem with body counts, high or low, is that sexual partners are seen as exactly what the name implies — bodies. The stripping away of personhood contributes to predatory attitudes that run deep within a patriarchal society. This type of objectification may seem like nothing new, depending on your gender. In fact, some of the biggest targets of body count stigma are sexually active women, who face the age-old issue of “slut-shaming” for choosing to take on higher numbers of sexual partners.
In a culture like ours, “purity” and virginity are prized for all the wrong reasons. Dr. Claire Oueslati-Porter, director of the Gender & Sexuality Studies program and professor here at UM said, “Having very few male sex partners [as a woman] is very much still idealized.”
“The idea is that one is somehow impure if they have sex,” added Dr. Oueslati-Porter. “We’re still very much a purity culture.”
But how many partners is too many? It seems like there is a very delicate balance to strike if you’re a young woman looking to explore the dating scene without being deemed promiscuous. “If yours is above, like, three, it’s like: ‘What the f*** are you doing,’” said another anonymous UM student, who this article will refer to as Anna.
Anna pointed out that men of the same age can get away with being sexually active openly. In her experience, it’s often these men who sling degrading terms like “slut,” “bop” and “hoe” at women like herself.
Messages like these, while ruthless on their own, can do even more damage as they become internalized. “I definitely feel like I have internalized shame or guilt for doing certain things because of … what society deems a ‘well-behaved girl,” said Nicole.
Although men are met with wildly different standards around sex, they’re not immune to stigma. In fact, for them, the problem with body counts can be quite the opposite. Despite movements to push back against the unachievable standards of toxic masculinity, many still feel shamed for not having enough sexual experience.
As Dr. Oueslati-Porter describes it, “It’s an embellishment on their masculinity to have what they call a high body count. The stigma would be if they didn’t.” She said men historically have gained power and built up their reputations around sexual access to women.
This toxic history translates into this day. Especially in college party culture, men tend to engage in a competitive and objectifying attitude toward their sexual endeavors with women. Sex, in the masculine realm, is commodified as a social currency.
This standard is further perpetuated by the rampant spread of the “alpha male” archetype depicted by social media voices such as Andrew Tate, who builds himself up upon a history of sexual experience with women — much of which is morally questionable at best. Today, as younger groups of boys gain access to social media, their perceptions of women’s worth become grounded in hateful stereotypes.
“Girls have been raised now with so many new progressive ideas. A lot of times, those messages and those ideas aren’t necessarily for boys in the way they’re being brought up,” Dr. Oueslati-Porter said.
Unfortunately, even content aimed at women upholds harmful stereotypes as well. Certain female influencers pushing a highly conservative model of the “high value woman” are making an impression on young girls, spreading a clear message: save yourself for a husband who provides for you or else you’ll be undesirable.
Societal pressures continue to place restrictions on healthy sexual lifestyles at a systemic level. With women losing control over whether they can terminate pregnancies, there is little room to encourage making one’s own decisions sexually.
On top of threats to reproductive rights, several areas of the country including Florida refuse to provide inclusive sexual health education, which harms children’s ability to think critically about gender issues and stigma. Dr. Oueslati-Porter views these legislative choices as major roadblocks in the way of fostering true sex positivity.
“Using the education systems we already have and having [gender issues] built into existing classes and courses kids are taking, even as they enter adolescence, would be the best way forward,” said Dr. Oueslati-Porter.
words_jay moyer. illustration&design_andres alessandro.
This article was published in Distraction’s Summer 2024 print issue.
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