1. The Girls and the Gays THAT’S IT: Stairmasters & Treadmills
Calling all cardio bunnies — this is your mecca, your runway. This sacred strip of cardio equipment is about the sweat just as much as the slay. It’s full of avid “12-3-30” incline walkers and Hailey Fernandes stair-steppers, peering over their machines to judge the rest of the gym. Truthfully, this zone is for students aiming to blow away in the wind — they are aspiring to be specs of dust.
2. Glorified Babysitters: Employees Getting Minimum Wage to Play Games
Dressed in upcycled, green uniforms, these student employees are here to make sure no one dies — and that’s about it. You’ll find them half-heartedly re-racking weights, sneakily completing their anatomy homework, chatting with regulars or deeply immersed in streaming sports.
3. Push Day Princesses: Pec-Deck Machines
Here is where gym bros become prima donnas: the throne room of chest day. They puff their chests, flex between every set and admire themselves like Greek statues — if Greek statues wore stringers and dry-scopped pre-workout. Their form? Impeccable. Their drama? Unmatched. Approach only if you’re ready to be ignored in favor of their pecs.
4. The Safezone: Machines From the 70’s in the Corner
Tucked beside the cardio machines, this wasteland of almost-retired machines is an oasis for shy gym goers who have their tetanus shots. These charming relics were created when your dad was rocking jorts and a mullet. But that’s the magic: no lines, no egos and no chance of accidentally locking eyes with a Tinder match from across the gym.
5. Just Give Up: The Smith Machine That’s Never Free
Known for its vast versatility, the Smith whispers to everyone, building muscle like a cruel tease. It sits eternally in use, as if cursed by the gym gods themselves. Every time you glance over, someone’s benching, pressing, thrusting or texting. Bring a sleeping bag, a snack and your will to wait, or simply accept that the Smith Machine is more false-hope than reality.
6. Where BBLs Are Made: Hip Thrust and Back Extension
This is the birthplace of the dump truck. The forge of the peach. Where DFYNE Impact Shorts run wild and free. Here, you can spot some of the most biologically-impossible booties, composed of hip thrusts, protein shakes, leg days and Latina genetics. Fair warning: accidental eye contact during a hip thrust is a legally binding soul contract.
7. Frat Row: Center Cable Console
Dropped in the center of the gym, passing through this large cable setup is like attending a jam-packed pool party on a Saturday — sweaty, overstimulating and full of frat bros with water jugs. All the cables taken? Don’t fret. Join the unofficial waitlist by hovering around the area, ready to pounce the second a cable frees up.
8. Dumbbells for Dummies: Small Dumbbell Section
Here lies the land of rejected dumbbells. Whether you’re a newbie trying to “tone” or a seasoned pro dodging the real weights, this is the place for low-effort reps and high-effort rest. Either that, or you’re just killing time until a machine opens up.
9. Anything Goes: Racks
Welcome to the wild west of the gym. The racks are where chaos reigns and rules are mere suggestions. Whether it’s squats, pull-ups or questionable attempts at benching, this is the spot for anyone with zero regard for personal space or gym etiquette. It’s a free-for-all, where you’ll witness everything from Olympic powerlifting to the elderly doing bicep curls.
10. “Too Hot to Handle” Candidates: Dumbbells & Benches by the Mirrors
This is where the gym’s finest come to lift heavy and flex harder. The weights are no joke, but neither are the poses. Here, you’ll find people pushing serious weight while simultaneously ensuring their form looks flawless from every angle. It’s all about balance: deadlifts and delts, squats and selfies.
words, photo&design_lizzie kristal.
This article was published in Distraction’s Summer 2025 print issue.
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