Our generation has seen many apocalyptic environments: Walmart on Black Friday, Fyre Festival a frat house — but exactly how prepared do you think you are for a real-life zombie apocalypse? To save you the stress of having to choose a weapon for the impending apocalypse, we have compiled staff recommendations for weapons of choice. 

AK-47 and Jack Daniels

As seen by Jack Sparrow in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies, drinking can make any grim situation more enjoyable. Just picture this: you’re trapped in an abandoned building, the weather is gloomy and your demise is imminent. You look out and see a crowd of zombies approaching and, instead of backing down, you forge onward confidently with your AK-47. Why? Because you are halfway through a bottle of Jack Daniels. You might even be on your fourth Jack and Coke — if you have that kind of luxury — and have drunkenly convinced yourself you have the aim of a sniper. You might die in the end, but at least you had a good time. 

Extension Cord

An extension cord as a weapon is definitely a choice, and maybe it is the right one for you. It’s a weapon for all of those inspired by George López’s performance in “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.” As a tool, extension cords have many pros: they are very long, they conduct electricity and the heavy-duty ones are weatherproof. As a weapon, there is even more versatility. It can double as a rope, and you can even bind someone with it. And if you get one with a big block of outlets at the end, now you mean business. We recommend swinging one around like a cowboy would a lasso: the wilder, the better.

Machete

Any type of knife is an ideal weapon of choice; however a machete sounds cooler. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, notable UM alum, is always fashioning one in his fantasy adventure films, so it must be effective. If you are unsure of your ability to shoot a gun and know your hand-to-hand combat skills are useless, this weapon is for you. In some cases, brandishing a machete is enough to scare off any potential attacker but, if not, you should have no problem getting a couple deadly swipes in. Also, if you find yourself in the position of having to cut a sandwich or chop some fruit mid-apocalypse, you are all set. 

Water Gun filled with Mad Dog Plutonium No. 9 Hot Sauce and Rubbing Alcohol

While a water gun seems like an unassuming choice, the addition of Mad Dog Plutonium No. 9 Hot Sauce makes it the deadliest on the list. With a rating of nine million on the Scoville scale, compared to a Carolina Reaper’s 2.2 million, it is no shock that bottles of this hot sauce come with disclaimers stating that consensual consumption means one relinquishes the right to sue. The hot sauce is sold as a solid, so dissolving it in rubbing alcohol is a logical solution that adds to the overall essence of this weapon. The only con of this otherwise badass weapon would be lack of range, unless you invest in a Nerf Super Soaker, which gives you about 50 feet of shooting range. You might feel like a Mad Max extra, but if used right, you might just survive the apocalypse.

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This article was published in Distraction’s Fall 2023 print issue.

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