Recently, people have been very honest about their tummy troubles. While people have been able to deal with them in their own way, these problems have extended to the final frontier: the bedroom. Especially because harmful health practices spread like wildfire in the gay community, we’re providing you with some simple tips to follow so you can enjoy dinner, as well as the fun that comes after.
Picture this: it’s date night. You and your significant other are going to have dinner at a nice restaurant and you can’t wait to eat some good food.
Everything was great, from the appetizers to the dessert, and now you’re back at their place watching a movie and hands are starting to wander. Next thing you know, you can only think of one thing: “God I have to shit so bad right now.”
That’ll take you out of the mood, right? As much as you want to move things to the bedroom, you don’t want to create an accident on the sheets. While everybody’s bowels are different, there are some general rules of thumb you can stick to in order to keep things clean and your tummy happy.
What to Stick to
The number one type of food to keep your stomach safe is high fiber food. Things like fruits, vegetables and whole grains are prime examples. They are made of soluble fiber which keeps your digestion flowing smoothly.
Those with Irritable Bowel Syndrome might recognize these as low FODMAP foods, which stands for fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides and polyols … but that’s just all science words.
According to ibscenter.org, “FODMAPS are carbohydrates that don’t absorb well into the small intestine. These include compounds such as fructose, sorbitol, mannitol, and xylitol.” The FODMAP diet helps minimize these ingredients.
Pasta and rice also work great. There are a few rules, though, in order to have these two help you rather than harm you. Creamy sauces are a no-go. As much as we all love a good alfredo sauce, the dairy content could be your downfall. The next rule is to not overcook them. If you do, they can form sticky blockades in the digestive tract which can cause stomach pain. Keeping them al-dente makes them easier to digest and prevents those blockages.
And last but not least, hydrate. It’s simple but vitally important. Soluble fibers need a solution in order to be fully effective, and nothing is as basic as water. So, a few glasses of water with your meal can help keep you regular.
What to Avoid
In terms of what foods to shy away from, there are a lot of different things that can cause stomach problems. While most of these things are fine in moderation, it’s best to steer clear of them before any frisky business.
To start off, red meat can have fat content that can upset your stomach, and so can its fermented counterparts like sausages and hot dogs. A little won’t hurt, but it’s best to get your protein from other sources like white meats, eggs, non-fatty fish and even some veggies.
Coffee and other energy drinks are a big no-go as well. While we love these beverages
in the mornings to give us a much-needed boost, they leave our stomachs in shambles. What doesn’t help is the artificial sweeteners we might add to our coffees. Things like Splenda can increase the laxative effect and swell your stomach, which is not only unflattering but the last thing you want in bed.
Spicy food can also cause problems. Not only can hot sauces like Sriracha and Tabasco cause some problems on their way out, but the presence of them can actually increase bowel movements. These condiments have,
“TRPV1 receptors in your intestines, making your [digestive] system cramp up.” And in response to this pain, it causes your intestines to go into overdrive, trying to flush it all out as fast as it can.
Unsurprising to no one, processed foods are not great either. While the sugar and salt you find in a Dunkin’ glazed donut taste really good, our bodies don’t know what to do with them. It’s better to stick to organic ingredients to ensure our bodies won’t have a tough time dealing with them.
Finally, the one we were all waiting for: dairy. Oh, how we love our creamy delights. But they do not love us back. Whether you’re lactose intolerant or not, it’s not easy for your body to break down the chemical components of dairy products. The more processed ones like cheese and yogurt can be especially hard to break down, which can upset a delicate stomach.
Substitutions
While it’s not that hard to follow some of these rules, you might find yourself craving a particular food. The stomach wants what it wants, and it’s hard to decide if satisfying your cravings is worth a potential upset.
Thankfully, there are a bunch of different ways to make some of your favorite dishes in a way that won’t cause problems in bed.
The Bottom’s Digest is a company that has risen in popularity across platforms like Instagram, YouTube and Tiktok. Their whole premise is to take beloved foods and make them gut — and butt — friendly. While you can check out all of what they have to offer, here are some more of their very popular creations.
Pesto pasta is well-beloved by college students since it’s easy to make with minimal supplies. Store-bought pesto tends to contain a good amount of dairy, which we have learned is best to avoid. However, Bottom’s Digest found a way around this by substituting the dairy for cashews and some nutritional yeast. After blending it up with the usual pesto ingredients, you still get that desirable creamy pesto texture but without the stomach troubles.
The Bottom’s Digest also touch upon a few things when making salads. First off, stay away from cabbage — it is chock full of insoluble fiber, which can be a pain for your stomach to break down. For dressings, steer clear of ones that contain garlic. While it can taste good, it can be high in FODMAPS which can cause gassiness and bloating.
One of their stellar recipes was vegan and dairy-free cheese. It may sound crazy, but it works. By using a mixture of potatoes, bell peppers, cashews, onions and some other additives, they were able to make a delicious substitute.
While all of this information is very useful, there is one very important thing to keep in mind. This isn’t a diet, just some general tips in order to avoid tummy troubles. This is a guide on how to eat healthily while preparing for more intimate moments; any long term pains or problems should be taken up with a doctor. Play it safe out there.
words_sal puma. photo_valeria barbaglio. design_michael cervantes.
This article was published in Distraction’s Winter 2022 print issue.
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