We know, we know — you’re not like other guys. But how can we really know if you’re not shoving your matcha and first-edition copy of “A Handmaid’s Tale” in our faces? Distraction Magazine has assembled the ultimate starter pack for performative men.
The Performative Male Epidemic is at its peak. Some women hate them, but some men love to be them. Everywhere you turn, there’s a Hinge prompt complaining about how terrible menstrual cramps are or a curated Spotify playlist filled to the brim with alternative deep cuts. Aspiring performative men, we’ve got your all-inclusive starter pack to ensure the women you aim to impress know you’re not like other guys.
The Clothes
Most guys wear old t-shirts and athletic shorts, but remember: you’re not “most guys.” A staple solid tee shirt and dark gray dad jeans are a great start, but you can go bigger. Add a black belt with a silver buckle, and make sure you hook your AirPods case through your belt loop so passersby know you listen to music — more on that later. If you’ve got room to hook a Labubu as well, even better! Next, you have a couple of choices for footwear, but we highly recommend either loafers or platform ankle boots.
Wear enough rings that your knuckles are just barely visible and paint your nails black. Any color is overkill, but black is just right. Remember your goal is to look a little gay but not too gay.
The Hobbies
To be a performative man, you don’t need to have passions. In fact, it’s better that you don’t. All you need to do is pretend to be passionate about a couple of things:
Being well-read is nonnegotiable. Reading in a public space with one leg crossed over the other is a surefire way to get women’s attention. Modern-day feminist literature, 1800s classics and self-help books are your best friends — bonus points if you can then steal and incorporate big words that you don’t understand into casual conversation.
Where you work is also crucial: Distraction recommends a record store or thrift shop. Plus, you’ll get discounts on must-have flannels or records! It’s a win-win! If you cannot find a job, you can also go the unemployed route, and if someone asks why you don’t have a job, say you’re protesting the wage gap. Bonus points if you DJ.
Other hobbies that aren’t really hobbies: Get a cat. Raise house plants. Watch movies pre-21st century and maintain an active Letterboxd account. Drink matcha. Most importantly, play guitar a la Ken in the “Barbie” beach scene. Every woman loves when a man plays them a terrible country song under the stars.
The Music
If you’re walking around campus without earbuds in, you’re doing something wrong. But of course, you can’t listen to just any music. Be prepared in case you’re lucky enough to be stopped and asked what you’re listening to. You should aim for your playlist to be that of a 13-year-old bisexual alternative girl. We know you’ve already got Clairo and Lana Del Rey locked in, but consider adding some other very underground artists: Taylor Swift, Phoebe Bridgers and — if you really want to drive the point home — Chappell Roan.
The Feminism
Being an over-the-top feminist should be your top priority. Make your presence known at pro-choice rallies. You don’t need to go to more than one, nor do you need to go for more than five minutes. Just borrow someone’s poster and take a ton of pictures to overload your social media with.
If you’re on Hinge, skip the typical fish-holding profile pictures and instead include prompts that declare how horrified you were when you found out women get periods.
Perhaps most importantly: Equal opportunity. You’re a hopeless romantic who prioritizes making every woman feel special, so make sure you’re never snapping less than 30 girls at a time.
You’re already doing great, sweetie. You’re basically six feet tall, and your reading glasses that you definitely don’t need make you look oh so sophisticated. But with these add-ons, you’re sure to get laid — I mean be a productive member of society! That’s your goal, isn’t it?
words_ariana glaser. photo_julia campbell. design_charlotte deangelis.
This article was published in Distraction’s Fall 2025 print issue.
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