There is much beauty in being a college student. It is a carefree time when your main purpose is to meander through life and “find yourself.” Well what better way to do just that, than by spending your hard-earned cash on things you may not really need, but would enjoy having? Where do you find such awesome objects? The website thisiswhyimbroke.com is the place.
Imagine Sky Mall, but on the Internet. This site has endless options of things that you absolutely do not need, but definitely want. I have narrowed down a list of 10 things you need to purchase now. Sure, all these random items probably won’t help you pass calculus or provide you with the confidence to finally approach that person you’ve been eyeing in class, but they will make you a helluva a lot more interesting. You can thank me later.
To start us off, there is a solution to the age-old problem of Oreo dunking. You know what I hate? When I’m cheating on my on-again-off-again diet with some Oreos and milk, and then they slip from my fingers into the bottom of my cup. This forces me to go find a spoon and fish out the cookie, only to be disappointed when I realize it’s now soggy. The Oreo Dunking Spoon, with its ability to securely wrap around the cookie, solves this issue. Oh, and it’s only $4.99; chump change. Now that that’s handled, I can go back to focusing on The Bachelor, ’cause, you know, priorities.
You know what else I hate? Yes, there are several things; but I really dislike rain. It is inconvenient, ruins my hair and deprives me of the ability to scroll through Instagram because of the need to hold an umbrella. I’m sure you’re thinking, well, isn’t there some sort of hands-free umbrella thing one can buy? Well actually, there is. It’s called a Hands Free Umbrella Dome, and for $59.99, it can solve all your rainy day woes. Being able to email my professor while protecting my freshly applied mascara from the rain? Yes, please.
As you go through college you’ll want to be a lot of things, I know I have. I’ve vacillated between lawyer, philanthropist, psychologist and hamster. Yes, you read that right. Who wouldn’t want to get into one of those plastic ball things and roll around everywhere? If only they made one for “adults.” But wait; they do. It’s called an Inflatable Walk on Water Ball, and for $399.99, it can make anyone’s hamster dreams come true. It’s also more practical for use at frat pool parties, in my opinion.
You know what else would be useful at parties? Glow in the dark toilet paper. Why, you may ask? Well because sometimes people get drunk, or there’s a power outage, and you cant find the toilet paper. It is in these moments that you wish there was glow in the dark toilet paper. Considering it’s only $10.99, I say, why risk getting into an embarrassing situation? Just buy it.
Now onto a more serious purchase. Safety is important on college campuses. Sometimes when you are coming home late from “studying,” you could face a perpetrator, and it’s best to be prepared. The Brass Knuckle Taser, for $48.69, is a perfect solution. If someone comes up to mug you, you don’t even need to look for your weapon because you will already be wearing it. It is also a good thing to have when you walk in on your significant other kissing someone else. Just saying.
There was this one thing I found that is absolutely essential though – a bullshit stamp for $14.99. Imagine all the things you can do with that. When you get your test back and the grade isn’t satisfactory, big red letters will surely convey your dismay to your professor. You can stamp the scale at the gym when the numbers are clearly lying to you. You can even stamp people if you’re not feeling very subtle.
Speaking of a lack of subtlety, you only get four years in college and you shouldn’t have to hang out with people who just simply don’t get the message. You know, those that just keep coming back to your place even though you’ve made it clear that you don’t like them? Well if this is a problem you are encountering, then you need a Not You Again Doormat. This very sassy piece perfectly conveys the message for you, and it will only cost you $34.99.
There are practical things on this site, like a Windshield GPS Display for $149.99, which puts the directions on your windshield so you don’t have to take your eyes off the road. Buy it for safety – but let’s face it, it’s boring.
If you’re into fun like me, use your money to buy the Spin-the-Shot Drinking Game for $9.99. It’s a very simple concept. You pour some juice into the shot, and spin the arrow. It’s like spin the bottle, except you only have to kiss Jose Cuervo or Jack Daniels. Now that’s a party.
There is yet another thing I hate: when people steal my freaking ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s AmeriCone Dream, anyone? Anyway, in college you will realize people are freeloaders and that’s not ok. So forego a bike lock for an ice cream lock for $24.99. This gem wraps around the lid of your ice cream, denying all others access. Call me greedy, but I see this as an investment rather than a mindless purchase.
We have reached the end of our list but I have saved the best for last. For all you Game of Thrones fans, there’s the Game of Throne Iron Throne. Yeah, like the swords from the show. Some might say that it’s a bit pricey, given the fact that it rings in at $29,999.99, but isn’t it worth it if you want to feel like a Khalessi? You might also wonder where you would get that kind of money? Need I remind you that a semester at UM is $40,000.00? You have the money. You might not have a place to stay or a real claim to an education afterwards, but you can say you did it for the Throne.
If you haven’t decided you need any of the things on this list after reading it, we simply cannot be friends. Sure you could be saving your money, but will any of that really help you on your route to self-discovery? I think not.
Spend unwisely kids.
words_cindy ferreiro. photo_via thisiswhyimbroke.com
Cindy is a senior from Miami. Currently majoring in Political Science and English Literature, she’s a self described busy bee, foodie, wine enthusiast and literature nerd.