Thanksgiving is a time for celebration and reuniting with loved ones. It is a time for people to say what they are most thankful for in their lives. However, what I love the most about Thanksgiving is the fact that it allows me to completely stuff myself with as much glorious, delicious and fattening food as my body will allow. I thoroughly enjoy piling my plate high with turkey, stuffing, cornbread and mashed potatoes over and over again. Then I proceed to take a break from the dinner table, fall into a deep sleep coma and waking up to the magnificent aroma of pumpkin pie. Pie is the most holy and glorious of all edible things. With its beautiful buttery flaky crust and succulent, oozing filling, it’s the perfect way to finish off a large Thanksgiving meal.

In order to fully maximize the amount of food that your human body can handle in one sitting, you must first create a game plan. This is a serious day folks, you don’t want to miss out on one single dollop of mashed potatoes or cornbread.

Failing to prepare means preparing to fail. This means that if you do not get yourself ready for such an insane amount of food entering your body, you will not be able to fit an insane amount of food into your body. This is bad. This means you have completely failed Thanksgiving and everything those bonnet-wearing colonists have fought so long and hard for. You must prepare and get your mind and body ready for this challenge.

First, exercise in the early hours of the day. This will of course get your blood flowing and also make you hungry. Your first instinct after a workout will be to eat, this is allowed; however, pace yourself.

You must also dress the part. Wear a nice dress or something with a stretchy waistband, anything that you can wear with enough stretch so that buttons don’t fling off your pants and fly into your Aunt Cheryl’s eye after that third plate of food.

Throughout the day, you must build up your hunger until your stomach sounds like an angry machine at the dinner table. This is ideal. Once the food is on the table, pile your plate until you have a beautiful, luscious mountain of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc. sitting proudly on your plate. Now you will ferociously shovel food into your mouth; double fisting is preferred for maximum sustenance consumption. Eventually you will start to feel full. Ignore this feeling completely. Just keep on eating and enjoy the amazing flavors in your mouth. After all, you’ve waited all year for this day and you can’t let a little voice in your head stop you.

After you have enough servings of actual food, allow yourself to take a break from the dinner table. You have worked hard and your stomach is probably tired. Take some time to work up an appetite for dessert. After about ten minutes, you will probably be ravenous again. Now it is time to attack the pie. I typically consider one serving of dessert to be three slices of pie, as well as some sweet potato casserole. Once again, double fisting is ideal. Chew, swallow, repeat as needed.

When you have completed your feast, you will probably want to fall into a deep food coma. The best part about massive amounts of food is leftovers. This allows you to pass out and dream about food, only to wake up to more food. Food is love, food is life. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Kristin Zheng is a junior from Rhode Island majoring in Software Engineering. She enjoys pandas, pie, and long walks through Trader Joe’s. 

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